I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Comparing yourself to others
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.