My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*