Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
You Might Also Like
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
japanese corn
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Good morning
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Perfect.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.