As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.