Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
normalize having existential bread
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Respect
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.