[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.