I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
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My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*