*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.