Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
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Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
tinder profile where the fish is holding me