My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.