There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
birds and squirrels envy us