Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
be careful
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?