instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
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Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
#parenting
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
See..?
.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean