Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you