ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
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Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Noah
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
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Me: Same
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time