Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
☺️
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too