*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.