i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.