The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
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I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
こいつ天才
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.