People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.