*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
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Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain