Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it