*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Haha good job!!
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.