Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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Ah yes. The three genders
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.