Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.