what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
You Might Also Like
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”