at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.