I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”