Why do meteors always land in craters?
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He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?