If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
This is a whole mood;
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Broom by every window for quick escape.