Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.