ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Canada has crack?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.