I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
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Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.