I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
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Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi