My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
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My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.