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11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
when someone rings the doorbell
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
*launders Kohls cash*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.