why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
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I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*