Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
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My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
this article brought to you by lions
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.