Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too