Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I have so many questions.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.