Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go