He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’