Well well well…
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.