In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
You Might Also Like
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
12. I think about this all the damn time
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I believe the plural is “milves.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring