I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
look at me when i’m typing to you
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.