Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Me when my alarm goes off
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.