You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
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WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money