[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!