For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
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My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!