*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.